First, there was her new boss: The Detective. The lawyer had told her that everyone calls him Dick, but she wasn’t sure she was comfortable with that arrangement. No other name for The Detective was given. The security crew was made up of two men: Oed Digby and “Teddy Bear” Jackson. She wasn’t sure how to pronounce ‘Oed,’ but she was determined to find out. The mechanic and weapons maintenance professional was called Butler. That left the team’s doctor, called Doc. At least, he was called Doc by The Detective. Everyone else simply referred to him as, “the junkie.”
When she walked into the office, she found all but one of them awaiting her arrival. Two of them were large and burly men, while one was short, plump, and elderly; the other must have been the junkie, as he had that look about him.
The most handsome of the men smiled. “You must be Pen. I’m the President of this company. Everyone just calls me Dick.”
She smiled. “I’ll call you Detective, if you don’t mind.”
He shrugged. “Fine by me. Meet the rest of the crew: Butler, the mechanic,” as he gestured to the older man; “the Doc,” as he pointed to the junkie slouched on the sofa; “and Jackson. He’s a Roosevelt buff, so everyone calls him Teddy Bear. Ed Digby took the day off.”
Pen nodded. “If his name is pronounced ‘Ed,’ why is it spelled O-E-D?”
“We have a lot of inside jokes here. We call him that because of an apparent Oedipal complex. Digby has a very... special relationship with his mom. He always takes off the week of Mother’s Day.”
Pen shuddered. “I hope it’s not as sick as that nickname makes one think.”
Butler chuckled. “You have no idea.”
Ignoring this, Pen asked, “What exactly will my duties be here? The attorney who got me the job wasn’t very specific.”
The Detective replied, “We need someone to do the office work. Take appointments, manage the finances... stuff like that. Oh, and on occasion, we may ask you to go into the field with us as a liason to the police and other authority heads.”
“Wouldn’t you be better suited for that?”
The junkie spoke for the first time: “He would if he existed.”
Pen raised an eyebrow. “What does he mean by that?”
The Detective sighed, then said, “On paper, I’m dead. The business is registered under a fake name. I have the ID, but I let Butler sign the checks.”
“Why don’t you sign them?”
The junkie again spoke up: “He’s paranoid his handwriting will be noticed and reported.”
Pen swallowed a lump in her throat. “Am I working for an illegal operation under a wanted felon?”
“Not exactly,” the Detective said. “The operation is legal. And I’ve never been convicted of a felony. I am wanted dead, however, so it’s best to just let everyone believe that I already am.”
“What did you do that has people wanting to kill you?”
“It won’t take long for you to see that we step on the toes of a lot of powerful figures; not unlike Mr. Onice, the attorney who hired you.”
She smirked. “He was covered in bruises and missing some teeth. I was frankly surprised to find out he’s a lawyer and not someone who regularly requires the services of one.”
“Many of his clients are opponents of our clients. If we have to see his defendants locked up in order to save lives, he plays ball with us and gets them sent up the river. Unfortunately, that has earned him a lot of enemies, but we keep him paid well enough to cover his hospital bills.”
“Seems dishonest,” Pen said.
“Gerald Onice: Attorney at Law isn’t exactly an honest attorney at law, if you know what I mean. Are you in?”
She looked around at the faces in the room. She shrugged. “Can I at least work here a week before I make up my mind for keeps?”
“Absolutely, but there’s no guarantee we’ll get a job this week. Some weeks are busier than others.”
“Well, let me get a feel for my coworkers, and I’ll give you a definite answer, work or no.”
The Detective smiled and extended his hand, which Pen shook. “Deal,” he said.
Of course, Pen had already made up her mind to stick with the job regardless of what happened. Her mother had warned her about being attracted to the dangerous elements, but this seemed like a job she could really sink her teeth into. Her only concern was that an attractive but physically frail female such as herself would have a hard time fighting off large men such as The Detective and Teddy Bear were they interested in having sex with her. When Oed Digby showed up the next day as a surprise on his week off, she felt the same way of him. She wasn’t worried about Butler or the junkie, but the other three would easily be able to overpower her.
However, after a few days had gone by, not one of the men had so much as flirted with her. It was as if she were one of the boys. It was actually damaging to her ego. Finally, she asked the least likely to react aggressively, “Am I attractive?”
The junkie chuckled. “You don’t know?”
“I’ve often had to say no to men, but to the men here, it’s like I don’t even exist!”
“Three things you should know, sweetheart: First, the Dick warned all of us that if we so much as whistle at you, he’d personally castrate us; second, contrary to popular belief, men do have a type. Take Digby, for example. This week he’s off for Mother’s Day. What the Dick didn’t tell you is that the woman he spends all week with is actually his stepmother. Really, she’s not even that. His dad divorced her.”
“Um... then why does he spend all week with her?”
“It goes back to when Eddie was a teenager. His dad married this eighteen-year-old ball-busting bitch. She was constantly screaming orders at Eddie, and when he didn’t do as he was told, she’d punish him. Come to find out, that shit really turned him on. Next thing you know, he’s having serious bondage fetish sex with his stepmom.”
Pen turned her nose up. “Ew!”
“Yeah. His dad walked in on them one day and divorced her shortly thereafter. For years, the only women Eddie would date had to be sadistic dominatrices. Finally, once his dad was over the betrayal, he looked up the former Mrs. Digby and the two of them hook up every May. So, you see, Digby, like most men, has a type.”
“That’s a very sick type," she said.
“Digby’s a very sick man,” the junkie added. “But then, everyone here is a little broken. They say Teddy Bear got his name from quoting Roosevelt, but I’m willing to bet five bucks that he still sleeps with a teddy bear.”
Pen laughed. “You know... You’re a funny guy, Doc. Why do the others call you a junkie?”
“Because I'm a heroin addict. They think I’m a lost cause. I was an EMT, so the boss uses my training whenever we have a medical emergency on the team. That’s my brother; he’ll never give up on me.”
Pen nodded. “So The Detective’s your brother?”
“Why else do you think he keeps me around? May’s holiday may be called Mother’s Day, but it’s a time for family to support one another. Our mom died years ago, but Dick plays den mother to this group, and especially to me. If you agree to stick around, you’ll become a part of the family, too.”
She nodded, internally feeling a lot of respect for her new boss. Remembering Doc’s previous words, she asked, “Oh, what was the third thing?”
“Beg your pardon?”
“You said there were three things I should know: that your brother told everyone not to hit on me, that men have a type... and there was one other thing. What was it?”
Doc paused to think. “I forget. But if there is another thing, you’ll learn it soon enough.”