Dear Mrs. Claus
I'm writing you because
Your husband and I do not agree.
I think I'm nice, but he says not me.
Is it wrong to want to spread the love?
Even if it's on my best friend's dove?
I can't help it if, in bed, I'm better
Than the lucky son of a bitch who wed her.
I made that girl cream til she screamed, "Hallelujah!"
And if it'll help, I'll do the same to ya.
But only, dear lady, at your discretion, of course.
I wouldn't want both Clauses thinking I'm worse.
If you put in a good word and he asks what I need,
Just tell him some condoms and pills for "Plan B."
Thank you, sweet lady, sincerely, love, Joe
P.S. Here's my address... Nick would never know.